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Sep 25, 2012
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oh, you have some evidence, mitt romney's mom? something about mitt romney's dad? >> you know we've only owned our home for the last four years. he was a refugee from mexico. he was on relief, welfare relief for the first years of his life. but this great country gave him opportunities. >> jon: oh. my. god. (laughter) george romney was on welfare. so according to mitt romney's own logic, mitt romney could not win the vote of his dad. (laughter) who would be one of the 47% of unconvincables. and the hits keep coming. romney continues in the video suggest the palestinians don't want peace and all we can do in the middle east is kick the can down the road and hope for the best and that, while his dad was born in mexico he, unfortunately, doesn't get the full benefit of that. >> i'd have a better shot of winning this. my dad was not born in mexico. he was living in there for a number of years. i say that jokingly. (audience reacts). >> jon: you can't do that. you can't make the joke and then immediately double down on the seriousness of the premise. "hey, jimmy's mom,
oh, you have some evidence, mitt romney's mom? something about mitt romney's dad? >> you know we've only owned our home for the last four years. he was a refugee from mexico. he was on relief, welfare relief for the first years of his life. but this great country gave him opportunities. >> jon: oh. my. god. (laughter) george romney was on welfare. so according to mitt romney's own logic, mitt romney could not win the vote of his dad. (laughter) who would be one of the 47% of...
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how exactly will romney counter the idea that he is awkward and not normal? >> mr. romney's team concluded the debates are about creating moments, the quick series of zingers he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since august. >> jon: they equipped him with zingers. >> and you know what? the best zingers are two ones you practice for two months. >> a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. it is a bar for homosexuals. the priest and the rabbi fall in love and get married because of barack obama! zing! >> i will tell you this, people. i would not (bleep) barack obama's economy with the (bleep). zing! >> zing! >> the candidates are preparing for wednesday's debate we go to senior correspondent aasif mandvi. >> you are with the romney camp, how is he doing? >> he is prepping the best he can, jon, but you hate to see an uphill battle like this, this is the president, the greatest or for this, orator this country has seen since lincoln. >> like i mean, mitt romney, talk about brilliant two, harvard degrees, the guy has never even lost an argument, he is no slouch
how exactly will romney counter the idea that he is awkward and not normal? >> mr. romney's team concluded the debates are about creating moments, the quick series of zingers he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since august. >> jon: they equipped him with zingers. >> and you know what? the best zingers are two ones you practice for two months. >> a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. it is a bar for homosexuals. the priest and the rabbi fall in love and get...
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Sep 25, 2012
09/12
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president obama over the last several years in the region >> jon: that's foreign policy advisor to mitt romney and mr. ryan dan senor, decrying the middle east messiness. why don't you rebut him, chief spokesman for the coalition provisional authority in iraq, a more junior dan senor >> democracy we often said when we were there that democracy is messy. if you want clean and tidy there's dictatorship but right now these iraqis political leaders are immersed in their first sort of democratic experiment >> jon: i get you, man. it was the early to mid, man. everybody was experimenting with democracy then. what's up? you know what [bleep] i'm out of here. just go at it, you two. >> just a reminder of the chaos that a lot of the policies of this administration have sowed. chaos in the arab spring. chaos for allies in israel. there are certainly areas that are problematic. we are having some tough days. we'll have tough days ahead. what we've seen in the last three days is a product of policies that have been building over the last three years. if we are successful in building some modicum democracy
president obama over the last several years in the region >> jon: that's foreign policy advisor to mitt romney and mr. ryan dan senor, decrying the middle east messiness. why don't you rebut him, chief spokesman for the coalition provisional authority in iraq, a more junior dan senor >> democracy we often said when we were there that democracy is messy. if you want clean and tidy there's dictatorship but right now these iraqis political leaders are immersed in their first sort of...
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Sep 26, 2012
09/12
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we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stages of grief. and i am not! oh, that makes me so angry! (laughter) and i will do anything not to be going through the five stages! let's make a deal, god. i'm so sad. (laughter) well, nothing more i can do. (laughter) (cheers and applause) time to give in. time to just-- time to just give up. which i won't, because everything's fine! (laughter) mitt is going to win! and that is good, because, folks, the importance of this race cannot be overstated! >> the choice you face won't just be between two candidates or two parties, it will be a choice between two different paths for america. a choice between two fun
we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stages of grief. and i am not! oh, that makes me...
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Sep 27, 2012
09/12
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(laughter) we ain't teaching mitt romney, mitt romney's teaching us. (laughter) so that's why president obama is the luckiest dude on the planet. although you have to wonder watching romney how the hell did this guy even get the nomination? >> it's three agencies of government when i get there that are gone. >> we will have the first permanent base on the moon. >> commerce, education, and the-- um, what's the third one there? >> her little daughter took that-- took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation. >> commerce, education and-- um-- the um-- um-- >> okay, libya. president obama supported-- the uprising, correct? >> president obama wants to-- once said he wants everybody in america to go to college. what a snob! >> oops. >> jon: oh, right. that concludes our segment "mitt romney is the s.e.c.-luckiest dude on the planet." welcome back! my guest tonight is the reigning king of jordan. welcome back to the program king abdullaabdull abdullah ii. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for being here again. i just wanted
(laughter) we ain't teaching mitt romney, mitt romney's teaching us. (laughter) so that's why president obama is the luckiest dude on the planet. although you have to wonder watching romney how the hell did this guy even get the nomination? >> it's three agencies of government when i get there that are gone. >> we will have the first permanent base on the moon. >> commerce, education, and the-- um, what's the third one there? >> her little daughter took that-- took that...
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Sep 26, 2012
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(laughter) we ain't teaching mitt romney, mitt romney's teaching us. (laughter) so that's why president obama is the luckiest dude on the planet. although you have to wonder watching romney how the hell did this guy even get the nomination? >> it's three agencies of government when i get there that are gone. >> we will have the first permanent base on the moon. >> commerce, education, and the-- um, what's the third one there? >> her little daughter took that-- took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation. >> commerce, education and-- um-- the um-- um-- >> okay, libya. president obama supported-- the uprising, correct? >> president obama wants to-- once said he wants everybody in america to go to college. what a snob! >> oops. >> jon: oh, right. that concludes our segment "mitt romney is the s.e.c.-luckiest dude on the planet." ears are weird. i don't know what shape that is .. but it's not round. so why would headphones be round? they should be shaped like this.. 'earshaped'. you know .. so they fit in your ears. [ male a
(laughter) we ain't teaching mitt romney, mitt romney's teaching us. (laughter) so that's why president obama is the luckiest dude on the planet. although you have to wonder watching romney how the hell did this guy even get the nomination? >> it's three agencies of government when i get there that are gone. >> we will have the first permanent base on the moon. >> commerce, education, and the-- um, what's the third one there? >> her little daughter took that-- took that...
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Sep 24, 2012
09/12
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oh, and one other thing. >> this is factually accurate, what romney is saying. >> if i'm governor romney, i run with this all day long. >> it was the truth. >> he's a boss that says the truth, but the truth often hurts. >> i think this will be seen as a win for romney. [laughter] >> jon: let me sum up the message from bull [bleeped] mountain, if i may. this inartfully stated dirty liberal smear is a truthful expression of mitt romney's political philosophy and it is a winner. [laughter] let me tell you something, you don't summit bull [bleeped] mountain unless you know your way around a turd or two. all right. so this very popular, definitely effective winning political argument that romney's making... >> it's another perfect distraction from the 14% unemployment. instead of talking about the major issues of the day, like $6 trillion in debt and the middle east is burning, instead we're sitting around going, did romney insult the country or not. >> you can't actually discuss serious issues today on the campaign. you have the move on to secretly recorded videos. >> jon: you just want the
oh, and one other thing. >> this is factually accurate, what romney is saying. >> if i'm governor romney, i run with this all day long. >> it was the truth. >> he's a boss that says the truth, but the truth often hurts. >> i think this will be seen as a win for romney. [laughter] >> jon: let me sum up the message from bull [bleeped] mountain, if i may. this inartfully stated dirty liberal smear is a truthful expression of mitt romney's political philosophy...
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Sep 29, 2012
09/12
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and romney's tied when you focus on the index pressably intrigued. and he's up, he's up by 2 points when you count only voters who are sigh cotically engaged. (applause) the point is the point is the polls showing romney behind have to be wrong. >> we have a bunch of polls, gallup, pew and-- and uh-- the cnn which either oversampled democrats or at least in the case of cnn, appear to grossly underestimate the percentage of independents. >> there is really lousy sampling in these polls. >> i don't believe them because i think the sampling is probably skewed. >> it is clear that many of these polls are oversampling. >> the polls are skewed. >> i don't believe them. you can go through all the scientific goobledygook you like, i done believe them. >> yes, they're basing this all on scien particular goobledygook which is also the name of stuart vaughn's character in harry potter. professor poppycock goob el dee gook. (laughter) that's very hard to say without swallowing your own tongue. now luckily, folks, i've got my own source of polls. conservative blo
and romney's tied when you focus on the index pressably intrigued. and he's up, he's up by 2 points when you count only voters who are sigh cotically engaged. (applause) the point is the point is the polls showing romney behind have to be wrong. >> we have a bunch of polls, gallup, pew and-- and uh-- the cnn which either oversampled democrats or at least in the case of cnn, appear to grossly underestimate the percentage of independents. >> there is really lousy sampling in these...
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Sep 27, 2012
09/12
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wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank
wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank
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Sep 27, 2012
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wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet >> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet >> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the...
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Sep 28, 2012
09/12
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wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ (snoring) (female giggles) bender (loud whisper): shh! don't wake up fry. (ladybot giggling) shh! my roommate's sleeping! (giggling continues) wake up already! (snorts) huh? i'm about to get down and funky with this ladybot, and i'd appreciate it if as many people as possible could know about it. now can we get some privacy?! (jackhammer rattling) (both giggling) (backup warning beeping) bender: aw, yeah! back it on up. (both giggling) (jackhammer rattling) (bluegrass music playing) ♪ hambone, hambone! ♪ hambone! okay, hambone break's over. back to the bedroom! (jackhammer rattling, pneumatic tools whirring) bender and ladybot: ♪ hambone, hambone! (groans loudly) bender: ♪ hambone! (snoring) wake up and feel the coffee! (spluttering) oh, no, i'm late for work again! (panting) sorry i'm late. well, well, well. look who decided to show up. i've had it with your tardiness, fry. i expect you to arrive the same time as everyo
wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ (snoring) (female giggles) bender (loud whisper): shh! don't wake up fry. (ladybot giggling) shh! my roommate's sleeping! (giggling continues) wake up already! (snorts) huh? i'm about to get down and funky with this ladybot, and i'd appreciate it if as many people as possible could know about it. now can we get some privacy?! (jackhammer rattling) (both...